February 16, 2011

Problems With Having Abnormally Large Pupils

Those of you who were unaware that there are problems with having large pupils, it's probably because your pupils are average-sized. You were born normal. Please, don't pity us; don't judge us; don't laugh at us. Put yourself in our shoes, for we only want to be understood:

1. You are always the only one with red eye in pictures. Every picture brings back memories of your grammar school nickname, Baddy Maddy, given to you after Suzy brought pictures to school from her birthday party in fourth grade.

2. When you are inside, filtered sunlight is always more than enough, but someone will soon notice you "sitting in the dark" and proceed to turn on every light in the room while exclaiming, "I can't see a thing in here. You poor thing, sitting in the dark!" Yeah, they couldn't see a thing, and now you can't. You squint until they leave and then turn the lights off again.

3. Your eyes are blue, but people think they are black which, in many ways, is worse than red.

4. You are forever dependent on sunglasses. When you lose your only pair, you seriously consider not leaving the house until after sunset.

5. People, especially police officers, never believe you when you tell them you're not high. Even when you aren't.

6. Noon is your arch-enemy. When the sun is directly overhead, you have to walk with your eyes closed, even with your sunglasses on. White walls, sidewalks, and reflective surfaces threaten you like carnival clowns and you decide it's fun to pretend you are legally blind.

7. Cloudy days are the most deceitful. They seem dim; you are hopeful. The clouds, however, are mysteriously luminous and they make even the air in front of you extra bright. The brightness is nauseating. You are the only person wearing sunglasses on a cloudy day and people think you are pretentious. They don't understand that you just have large pupils.

8. Lamps are your best friends.

9. Sometimes you feel like an animal in a petting zoo. When people hear about your large pupils, they lean into your face and say, "Wow...Look at the light...Now back at me...Now at the light...Now at me..." Then they decide they need another subject, "Someone else get over here so I can compare pupils!"

10. You avoid certain restaurants and retail stores solely based on their lighting.

11. Yesterday was cloudy and you were suckered in. While driving to school, you had to watch the road through your eyelashes. Your crow's feet are already beginning to emerge.


  1. I see one positive. A curious onlooker will stare deeply into your eyes to see what the hullabaloo is. Staring into someones eyes is intimate and you have increased your chance of love.

    If eyes are the window to the soul, yours could be a set of french doors.

  2. Having abnormally large pupils + looking like an alien in any pair of sunglasses = the bane of my existence.

  3. I have abnormally small pupils, and people always notice me "sitting on the sun" and proceed to turn off every light in the room while exclaiming, "You poor thing, sitting on the sun!"

  4. Actually, big pupils are a good thing--they are a subconscious indicator that you're infatuated/in love with the object that you are looking at, so biologically they are perceived as more attractive. Women used to drop poisonous plant toxins in their eyes to get the same effect.

    So... this should be a good thing unless it's misunderstood by a creeper. :)

  5. This is literally the best description I've ever seen. I had a roommate who would literally turn lights on at three in the afternoon while I was sitting there going dude you don't need lights until at least 7:30, if not 8. Everyone is constantly turning on lights and it annoys the hell out of me!