February 8, 2011

Yahoo! It's Valentine's Day

Yahoo! News recently published an article about the Top 10 Things NOT to Do on Valentine's Day. Romance pioneer that it is, Yahoo! News addresses all the preeminent V-Day concerns: "Dinner, chocolates, roses, and candelight dinners." But because I know that not everyone is into dinner and candlelight dinners, I provide a brief appraisal of some of Yahoo! News's top ten Valentine's Day gaffs.

  • DON'T sit at home if you are single. This is the worst thing you can do on Valentine's Day if you are single.

Actually, I thought the worst thing I could do was break into the local orphanage and prick parentless children with my AIDS needle, but apparently, sitting at home alone and watching every twentieth Cheese Nip fall in between my couch cushions is worse.

  • DON'T compare. So your girlfriend got two-dozen roses on Valentine's Day and all you got was a single stem. Don't get jealous.

This advice is moot. If all you got for Valentine’s Day was a single-stemmed rose, then your boyfriend is 15 and you can count on his mom to give you some great home-baked cookies after she picks the two of you up from the movie theatre.

  • DON'T make excuses to avoid this holiday. Maybe you can’t afford to eat at a nice restaurant. So what! Be creative.

I disagree. If you can’t afford to eat at a nice restaurant, you don’t deserve to be in love. Or healthcare.

  • DON'T make other plans. You have 364 days in the year to meet the guys for a beer or watch a football game. This whole day should be set aside for your significant other.

Honestly, I’d love for this statement to be true. I’d love to have “364 days in the year” to get drunk with my friends. Unfortunately, I don’t really get 364 days of freedom after subtracting our anniversary, her birthday, and the 40 hours a week I have to work to pay for the gym membership she never uses.

  • DON'T be typical. Guys, don’t just do roses and dinner at an Italian restaurant. It’s been done a million times. Please be creative!

Girls, you know what’s “creative”? Blowjobs.


  1. If my girlfriend was "creative" with my "single stem," maybe I wouldn't want to "meet the guys for a beer" every day. Just sayin'.

  2. I like the cut of this commentators jib

  3. "If you can’t afford to eat at a nice restaurant, you don’t deserve to be in love. Or healthcare. "

    This is my favorite line and should be repeated over and over again!

  4. You know what's really "creative"? Footjobs.

  5. Aids needle orphans... Pure poetry