The Left Side Of The Staircase

You know what grinds my gears? When there is a huge line of people walking up the right side of the staircase (in the USA) and someone decides to go up the left side. Listen fucker, I am quicker, faster, smarter--I'm just better than you in every way. Why am I going "slow"? Because there is a crowd.

But okay--maybe I am being unfair. I know me some economics. This is a risk/reward thing--you are taking the risk that someone will come down that left side of the stairs, and if you manage to avoid that, you win--you got up the stairs 7 seconds faster than I did. Nicely played--but I'll still silently pray that you slip and crack those two buck teeth.

But know this--no, really, you must listen to this. In the event that someone punks you and starts coming down the left side of the stairs, DO NOT try and insert yourself in front of me. Why do you think I would let you in front of me? You are no better than the bloody smegma from my "cut and play" sessions. I would rather insert my member into the anus of whatever penguin is slowly waddling up the stairs than let you in front of me.

And why am I being a jerk about this? Because without that there is no "risk" in the economic analysis. Being an asshole keeps the order. Why wouldn't everyone do that if there is no downside? Oh, because doing that would be a cunt move, you say? Exactly. And cunts deserve to get fucked by a wretched penis--me.

Buses and Boobs

The following is a list of things to do while riding as a passenger on a bus (or other public transport). I realize most sane humans already follow these guidelines, but I feel a friendly reminder can always be helpful in case, just maybe, you forgot.

1. If you will be traveling in a bus, please make sure your personal hygiene is up to par.

(This obviously also applies to everyday life, please take note.)

2. It is fine to listen to music on the bus, but please limit this listening to ear buds and not a speaker surround sound.

I understand your love for Justin Beiber* but I would rather shove a pencil in my eye than listen to his music for my hour commute.

* Justin Beiber can be replaced with any other annoying generic singer or group like Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, Nickleback or Creed.

3. Talking on the phone is allowed because, obviously, you have time to kill, but please note the difference between talking and yelling.

I get it, you are upset because your boyfriend forgot to send you flowers for some non-descript holiday, and you want to vent to a friend, family member, pet, etc., but leave that conversation for the two of you and let me fill my own thoughts with delusions of grandeur.

4. If you are not handicapped, crippled, or sick, don’t sit in handicap seats.

This rule is similar to the handicap parking principle except not worthy of a fine. Listen, we all get tired, we all have days where walking three more feet seems like eternity, but when you look in the eyes of a poor old woman who can barely stand and just wants to knit her new grandchild a pair of mittens how can you say no?! Personally, this story breaks my heart for all the old ladies out there with an affinity for knitting.

5. Don’t take off your shoes.

This is not your living room. This is a bus. Don’t confuse the two in your need to make yourself comfortable. Also, the foot odor that you are letting escape through your shoes is filling the recycled air and the nostrils of all 30+ passengers. Need I say this is disgusting? Well let me be clear: this is disgusting! Keep your shoes on! I don’t care about your hard day nor do I want to smell it.

6. If you need to breastfeed your child in the seat next to me, please don’t use my boob as a baby head rest.

First, breastfeeding your baby on a public bus is weird for the most part and the bus isn’t even the place to have such a private moment between you and your child. With the 30+ onlookers you are just allowing strangers to oogle at your nipple as you wait for the baby to latch on. I forget when the bus became a place for one’s inner exhibitionist to come out and play.

Now, I don’t have a child, and after watching this, probably won’t be having one anytime soon, so I am very naïve to the breastfeeding process. With that said, if you know you will be commuting with child, don’t you prepare yourself with bottles of breast milk or formula? Isn’t this the logical resolution? I’m just saying!

Anyway, I digress, if you are to breastfeed your child in a bus don’t sit next to me and then use the leverage of my chest to pose as a pillow of sorts for the baby to rest on while you breastfeed. When I came on the bus after my 8 hour work day I did not sign up for this job! When I sit in the bus I would like to be encapsulated by a bubble, a “bubble effect” if you will, don’t fuck with that! You are breaking my bubble with your annoying baby and with no care for my feelings.

I get it, babies, in general, have to eat and the baby probably thinks two sets of jugs are better than one, but leave me and my knockers out of it. Just because I am female does not make me any more inclined to be alright with this; in fact quite the opposite. I am horrified that I am sitting next to this. But I am an adult, so I show restraint. I would love to start yelling and embarrass you enough in the hope you would find a new seat mate who would be more inclined to deal with your shit. Instead, I choose to pretend this is not happening until I feel the pressure of your baby's head squeezing my boob and then I am back to the reality of my cramped bus seat and met with the smirks of other passengers who feel bad for my situation but find this delightfully entertaining.

So to people who find this process the norm, what the fuck is wrong with you? Find another place to feed your child that doesn’t involve nipple-sucking, me, or my boob. Let it be a singular act that you and your child can enjoy together. Let me offer a few places to do this:

- A BATHROOM, maybe even one with a stall made for this activity,

- an office with a closed door,

- did I say bathroom?!

There are many places. Find one and leave me and my bubble the fuck alone.

I hope these bus rules have helped you in determining your behavior the next time you take on public transportation. I know this will definitely be beneficial to me and my hour commute home.

Problems With Having Abnormally Large Pupils

Those of you who were unaware that there are problems with having large pupils, it's probably because your pupils are average-sized. You were born normal. Please, don't pity us; don't judge us; don't laugh at us. Put yourself in our shoes, for we only want to be understood:

1. You are always the only one with red eye in pictures. Every picture brings back memories of your grammar school nickname, Baddy Maddy, given to you after Suzy brought pictures to school from her birthday party in fourth grade.

2. When you are inside, filtered sunlight is always more than enough, but someone will soon notice you "sitting in the dark" and proceed to turn on every light in the room while exclaiming, "I can't see a thing in here. You poor thing, sitting in the dark!" Yeah, they couldn't see a thing, and now you can't. You squint until they leave and then turn the lights off again.

3. Your eyes are blue, but people think they are black which, in many ways, is worse than red.

4. You are forever dependent on sunglasses. When you lose your only pair, you seriously consider not leaving the house until after sunset.

5. People, especially police officers, never believe you when you tell them you're not high. Even when you aren't.

6. Noon is your arch-enemy. When the sun is directly overhead, you have to walk with your eyes closed, even with your sunglasses on. White walls, sidewalks, and reflective surfaces threaten you like carnival clowns and you decide it's fun to pretend you are legally blind.

7. Cloudy days are the most deceitful. They seem dim; you are hopeful. The clouds, however, are mysteriously luminous and they make even the air in front of you extra bright. The brightness is nauseating. You are the only person wearing sunglasses on a cloudy day and people think you are pretentious. They don't understand that you just have large pupils.

8. Lamps are your best friends.

9. Sometimes you feel like an animal in a petting zoo. When people hear about your large pupils, they lean into your face and say, "Wow...Look at the light...Now back at me...Now at the light...Now at me..." Then they decide they need another subject, "Someone else get over here so I can compare pupils!"

10. You avoid certain restaurants and retail stores solely based on their lighting.

11. Yesterday was cloudy and you were suckered in. While driving to school, you had to watch the road through your eyelashes. Your crow's feet are already beginning to emerge.