I Am One Hundred and Ten Percent Sure that This Is the Stupidest Sentence You Will Read All Day

Let’s stop using the expression “one hundred and [n additional amount] percent,” all right? Let’s stop saying things like, “I’m a hundred and fifty percent sure that my boyfriend is cheating on me,” and, “Though they lost, the baseball team gave it one hundred and ten percent.” This expression is no good.

First, note that this expression is hyperbole because you can’t have more than one hundred percent of these things. If you have the highest possible amount of something, you still only have one hundred percent of it. Why? Because “percent” literally means “one part in every hundred.” So “one hundred percent” means essentially “one hundred parts of one hundred parts,” or “all parts.” Because there can only be one hundred individual percents, being “one hundred and ten percent sure” about something is kind of like thinking that if wearing one condom is 99% effective, then wearing two condoms is 198% effective.

But I get that this phrase is not meant to be interpreted literally. That’s fine. My problem with this expression is that it is, ironically, not expressive. First, when someone says, “Timmy gave one hundred and ten percent out there on the field,” I think, “Why didn’t he give one hundred and fifteen percent, or one hundred and twenty percent?” The speaker could have gone infinitely higher in expressing Timmy’s effort, and I’m left wondering why the speaker settled on the arbitrary percentage that he chose. The expression thus loses persuasive and expressive force because it is distracting—while the speaker continues with his comments, my mind is careening down the railway of cacological speculation.

Second, and more importantly, this phrase makes me think of those classless troglodytes that get paternity tests on the Maury show. These jokers are invariably “one hundred and [insert some arbitrary additional amount] percent sure” that Tyson is/isn’t the father of eight month old Vanessa. When you say this expression, I think of you as one of those Maury guests, which is neither flattering to you, nor helpful to whatever point you’re trying to emphasize. So, unless you think evoking a comparison to deadbeat parents is useful for your claim, forego this phrase.

Of course, percentages over one hundred can have useful meanings in more scientific or mathematical contexts where they are not merely idiomatic phrases. For instance, a doctor might find that a patient’s T-cells have “increased two hundred percent,” meaning they have tripled. But the chief difference here is that the doctor is contemplating a change in amount of something by more than one hundred percent rather than a raw amount that is more than one hundred percent of itself.

And that’s it, folks. Now that we’re clear on this, let’s delete this idiom from our vernacular and leave it exclusively in the capable hands of scientists, mathematicians, and putative fathers.

It is what it is

Coming to the realization that you have been un-friended by someone on Facebook can be a tough pill to swallow. I myself take great pains to cultivate meaningful connections, and consider how to keep my posts fun for the whole family. Furthermore, I have always strived to limit my status updates—to only that which at least five of my friends could actually give a fuck about at any given time.

Sure, I am often tempted to err on the side of shock value, and spread as much libel about you idiots over the internet as I possibly can. Yet I do understand the value of censorship, and the important role it plays in our God-fearing society. To that end, offending or annoying my fellow Facebookers is actually very low on my list of priorities. I typically summon my faculties of judgment and discretion before posting shitfaced photos or statuses re: my latest sexual exploits, fetishes, and the like. You know, so as to not alienate my friends and relatives, co-workers, and even a tech-savvy terrier.

Despite my painstaking efforts to appeal to the entire crowd, my friend’s mother decided to sever her social networking ties with me. Yes, it is true. I was mindful of her demographic (old, crotchety), and she still gave me the axe. What hurt most about this severance was the fact that she was a parent of a friend. And parents have always historically loved me. So of course, it was a real blow to my ego.

Days went by. Questions began to fill my head. Did she ever really like me to begin with? Will it be awkward to see her in person? And most importantly, was she uncomfortable with the fact that I like to start my mornings with a cup of Joe and a naked tantric yoga sesh?

As anyone would naturally expect, my curiosity soon developed into anger and violence.The next Saturday morning, I decided to relate my angst over the matter to my lover. I queried him as to why anyone in their right mind would ever want to un-friend me??

Poised in downward facing dog, he responded with Zen-like focus, “It is what it is.”

Now, if you know me at all— do. not. ever. say: “It is what it is,” to me. This phrase is an outright slap in the face to anyone who gets off by venting their frustrations on a given topic. Sometimes, I simply need to complain. And not only does "it is what it is" indicate to me that you do not care about my issue, it also demonstrates that you were not even listening to begin with. It is an unoriginal one-size-fits all response used by anyone who cannot appreciate the therapeutic benefits of a good rant. Furthermore, what does “it is what it is” even mean?

Let’s break it down.

So, you’re telling me that the thing that I am talking about, is in actuality, what I am talking about? Get the fuck out! Thank you for that insightful gem of wisdom. Before you were here to offer me absolutely nothing in the way of supportive feedback, I was under the erroneous impression that the thing I am complaining about was actually something completely different than what I am complaining about. Thank you so much! I was forever doomed to think that it is what it isn’t, or rather, isn’t what it actually is. But now you’ve clarified for me, that it is, in fact, what it is. I am now completely fucking enraged and you have contributed nothing to this conversation.

Substantive

It is not pronounced "sub staaaaantive." It is "sub stin tive." See http://mw1.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/substantive. There are dogs that know this. See http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-12067099.

The Unwritten Rule of Ballparking

Listen, the rule is that you don't get to ask for a ballpark estimate. If someone wants to offer one up, that's fine - good for them. But nothing irritates me more than when someone asks me a question, I respond with, "I have no clue," and they then follow up with, "Well, just give me a ballpark." No. No. No. That's not how this works. You might as well ask me to make up a number.


I don't have an answer. That's covered under the statement, "I have no clue." If I had any concept of the answer, I would have provided it up front, ballpark or otherwise. So, don't sit there and insist that I give you an answer. I stated very clearly that I don't know. And if I don't know, then your guess is as good as mine. How about you ballpark it?


Well, I'll tell you why they don't. They don't because they understand the gravity of the situation. This isn't about ballparking the amount of jellybeans in a jar. If it were, then they wouldn't even be consulting you. No, this is about something more important, something for which they are expected to provide a legitimate answer, something on which people are going to rely.


The truth is that this request for a ballpark estimate is not about finding the right answer; it's about creating a scapegoat. What they really mean to say is, "I want a guess from you because I don't have any clue about this subject matter. However, if I present your ballpark estimate, it sounds good, and everyone buys it, then I sound experienced and knowledgeable on something of which I know nothing. And if it turns out your ballpark is wrong, then I can simply point the finger at you. 'Amber gave me the wrong answer. Dang, that Amber is stupid.' "


Yeah, that's right, I'm on to you ballparkers. It's not about pitching, batting averages, and the crowd's roaring shout. No, it's about Casey and making sure I strike out.


Next week, we'll discuss guesstimate.

A whale can generate enough semen to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool for every pool on Earth… ever

Earlier this week on my commute, I heard a story on the radio discussing the possibility of phasing the penny out from US currency. This debate comes about based on the fact that the penny now costs more to produce than its market value.

Aside from the monetary policy concerns, the story attempted to raise the stakes of this calamity by engaging the listener, me, to comprehend the massive amount wasteful pennies in use. The statement used to relay this was, “if you laid all the pennies in circulation side by side, it would circle the equator twice.” I don’t recall if it was twice or three times, but the fact that I don’t remember is where my point lies.

Whether I haven’t done enough traveling, or I didn’t pay close enough attention in my geography class, or I can only understand size by relating it to my penis, how many times anything can circle the earth is not only un-helpful but destructive in generating other moronic scales that fail to impart a better understanding.

A few examples are; it can travel to the moon and back twice, it could fill the grand canyon 10x, it has half the amount of water as the Pacific Ocean and it would weigh twice the amount of all of the iron on the planet.Provide me with a scale I can understand, perhaps the size of my house, or the length of my car, or the height of a basketball hoop. Unless I pull a Caine, a la Kung Fu and decide to traverse the earth on foot, I have no f’ing clue, in real terms, the size of the equator.

In protest I will start referring to the size of all objects on this "equator" scale. Sir, would you like a 6 inch or footlong sub, make mine a 1/131,479,800^th distance of the equator. Do you have these pants in a size that can circle the earth 1/26,295,960^th times? I was just looking for my shoes when I found a 1/157,775,760^th of the equator black studded dildo under my girlfriend's bed.

The Case Against the Serial Comma

The debate regarding use of the serial comma (aka: the terminal comma) is so clearly one-sided that it hardly needs me to spill ink on the subject. But I can’t resist:

To my readers, Mallory and Laura:
The serial comma is an unnecessary device that is used only by strict grammarians, the overeducated and nerdy people. Now if there aren't any rebuttals, questions about my writing style or comments, who wants to get some coffee, bacon and eggs and toast?